Graduation

I realize this is slightly late, but I haven't been able to figure out our new camera to post pictures on here, and I figured that pictures are a huge part of this story. So, I broke down and asked my hubby to please upload the pictures onto the computer and viola, there they are.

I think after so much hard work it is difficult to put into words the emotions and feelings of accomplishment I have from graduating. I will try.

I had a goal and I worked very diligently to achieve it. I was a Summa Cum Laude which means that I was able to keep my gpa quite high (4.0-3.6 throughout my whole college career). I fought to make this happen. I had to take night classes one at a time for many semesters because it was too expensive to go full time, and we are apart of the wonderful middle class who generally doesn't qualify for any funding. I did the pay as you go route. It is a long a tedious route. At the beginning of my college career, someone told me that 10 years would go by and I could either chip away at my degree and accomplish it slowly, or I could wait and hope that I would get the time and money to go full time and I might not actually do it at all. Either way, 10 years would go by. It was my choice to do what I wanted to do, or not. I chose to do it.

In these last 7 years of school, I went through life events--a newly wed, working full time, pregnancy (taking a semester off while I recovered from child birth), the near death experience of my sister-in-law, the death of my brother, the death of my grandma, my husband being sent to Air Force training for 2 instances for months at a time, figuring out childcare that benefited both my child and our financial pocketbook, working & being a mom & finally getting to go to school full time, and another pregnancy. It has been a long road and I have felt like quitting many times. I didn't. I don't really blame anyone who does quit, but I wonder if I can get through all the stuff I did while going to school and earning good grades, why do some people give up? I don't know. I do know, that bred in me, the blood from my dad and mom's family says to never, never, never give up. And, so I didn't.

Those closest to me celebrated and cheered me on while I walked across the stage and accepted my diploma. My husband and small son, my brother (who was in junior high when I started and now just completed his sophomore year of college), my parents, and close friends. I could not have done this without the support and encouragement I got from all of them. (I am also thankful that a community college opened so I could afford to go full time!)

I was blown away at my parents, who flew my brother Colin, from New York, to see me graduate. He was here for 1 day. It was the most meaning surprise and gift I could have ever asked for. It is a moment in time I will always cherish. Because of the loss of our older sibling, there is always a hole in our family-- Nate (my older deceased brother) would have been here and I was feeling his loss so much. I really wanted Colin to be here, but New York is so very far away I knew there was no chance he would be able to come. When he stepped into my house it was almost like magic. I know Nate was somewhere close watching, because the gaping hole was not present that weekend. I have never felt so loved.

better

Hey friends, just wanted to say a quick word of thanks for all the texts, emails, calls, and posts. I wasn't sure about putting my thoughts (vent) out in this venue, but figured it is more of a journal for me than for anyone else. So, I did it. I now realize that part of the thing that is so encouraging about social media is the support and love one can receive from a simple post. So, thanks. I needed the prayer and love.

I'm feeling much better. I needed a day to melt down-- things got overwhelming and it's ok for me to acknowledge how it's hard to juggle everything. It's not ok to stay in that place. Realizing that I am a smart, valuable woman, putting in the hard work and effort in to achieve my goal, and then getting it (ie diploma and baby!) is what this whole month is about.... so all that to say, my perspective is where it should be and I'm moving forward.

I passed that silly excel test yesterday (thanks Terry for helping me study!) and I've got a math test today (prayers are appreciated!) and then I'm officially done with my college career. I'm thrilled to say that even getting married young, and taking 1 or 2 classes a semester (it took me 4 semesters to finally become a degree seeking student!), I still achieved my goal of higher education. For me it was never about a job, but rather proving to myself that I was smart enough and had the fortitude to do it. I wanted to be educated for educations sake. I know that I am a deeper woman because of the sacrifices and time spent learning all that information. I am thankful for the teachers who were excellent and also who were crummy, because beyond just the "school" thing, I have really learned about human nature and what it looks like to grow with others or let them jade you (good teacher vs bad teacher), to love a bit of information and give that love to me. More than anything I think this time in my life has shown me that no matter what I want or how long it might take to get there, I can achieve my goals.

My new goals include: art time with Cole (at least this month and in the fall), reading good books (Caleb has a list for me about 2 feet long!), having a healthy baby girl, learning how to love each of my children in the way they need it, and picking up art for myself again. I know I'm having a new baby soon, but I do look forward to the day where I can clean my house, make dinner, and spend time with my kids without feeling pulled in a million directions. So, perhaps my real goal is simplicity.

Overwhelmed

Warning:: I am seriously hormonal and in need of a large steak... This is going to be a rant. Read at your own risk.

Can I just say I'm so overwhelmed that I came home and climbed into bed crying just a few minutes ago. I'm tired of school, of someone else dictating how I should do something and telling me I am a failure when I don't do it the 'right way'. I have to take this silly excel test and pass it to graduate, however I will never in my life use excel. I will use anything other than excel. I have now failed this test 3 times. According to the study guide, I know how to do everything, but they have some sort of specific key strokes they want from me... And I'm not getting it. I really don't care, but I really want to walk in a week.... So I guess I have to care. I have to keep taking this test until I pass it, and I've got until next Friday to do it. Thrilling, huh? Oh, and while I am on the subject of school, I have this portfolio to complete that is worth a huge portion of my grade-- what's it on, you might say? It is all the essays I've written in the past 2 years in order to get a freaking job at a school. Not only am I not going on to get my BA, but I'm not going to ever show this to anyone or try to get a job with it. It is completely unnecessary and busy work. Like I have nothing else going in my life. Oh and I've had the most horrific teacher of my college career this semester. Note to anyone thinking of taking a class from Susan Knights--- Stay Away! She's not only the worst teacher I've ever had, but impossible to please. I have no idea how to study successfully for my final in her class, because every time I have studied, it has paid off with a low b or a c. Great for my gpa (thankfully, this semester doesn't count for the honor cords!). I even have gotten answers right, but she didn't like the way I did them, so I got marked down. There are 3 different colors of ink on each previous test and I get this overwhelmed stomach ache when I even look at them, let alone try to study from them. I want to cry. Well, in fact I did cry just a few minutes ago. I'm so over school. Not sure if I can successfully navigate the next week.

Then there's the subject of food. I CAN NOT EAT ANYTHING! I'm so terrified of getting sick again that I end up going long hours without food (for example, today I've had a cup of water, coffee, 2 pieces of toast and an apple and it is 4pm). Nothing I can eat sounds good. I just want to eat a freaking steak or a grilled cheese, or heck I would settle for a hot dog. But, because I don't want to feel like dying from the pain, I settle for some sort of dish made for people who actually want to eat this way. I'm not sure why anyone would forgo real food for rabbit food, but they're out there. I'm so hungry all the time.

Then there's pregnancy. I am excited to meet this little girl, however I am so over being pregnant. It's cool when someone else is pregnant. They are cute, and you don't have to deal with the not sleeping, the peeing all the time, the cravings for food (which I can't do anything about), the not being able to roll over in bed without huge effort, the being kicked from within for hours, the exhaustion, the hormones (which I'm sure is what is making this week seem completely un-accomplish able), and various other unpleasant pregnancy issues-- oh let's remember being put in the hospital for pregnancy related gallbladder problems. And the subsequent diet, but having already covered that, I'll leave it alone.

On a last and final rant, I am sick of living with a disobedient child. He neither respects me nor listens to me and I am not sure what to do (going to a parenting conference this weekend, so please stay away from advise). What I want to do is stick him in front of the tv, because I lack the energy to properly deal with him. He is the strongest willed human being out there and I am sure this will aid him in his future, it is entirely frustrating for me as a parent. I feel like the largest failure ever. If I cannot guide him to making good choices and being obedient, how in the world did I ever think I could or should have another one. I do not feel prepared to have another human being to mold. I prayed for a mellow child with him, but with this current baby, I have stayed away from any of that sort of prayer, because if God interpreted Cole as being a mellow child, then I certainly do not want another mellow one.

I'm sure I could come up with more things to rant about, but I feel a bit better and don't think I need to go on. I'll go find some carrots to munch on and hope I get full. I'll also try to study tonight and hope I can pass my tests. And, maybe I'll get lucky and Cole will go to bed this evening without a fuss.

If you think of me, please pray for me.... I think I could use it.

Thanks for reading.

Of life and learning and love

This last week and an half has been humbling, healing, and a lot of growing.

Humbling because I'm use to taking care of everything and I have had to rely on many friends and family to help me take care of the normal things in my life. I am sincerely grateful and thankful for the dinners, cleaning, babysitting, and support so many of you have given me. I see God's hand of blessing in every angle of this misadventure.

Healing because it was spring break and I was able to actually rest. Caleb took some sick time to take care of me and I was able to sleep and rest up. It feels like the procedure/surgery shouldn't have left me as tired as I've been, but as Caleb keeps reminding me, the procedure was just the tip of the ice berg; I've been dealing with little sleep and lots of pain for around a month and my liver and pancreas needed to recoup also. It takes a while to get everything working right again and feeling normal. I don't feel normal yet, but I suppose I won't until after June 14th ish... When this baby makes her entrance and I get my body back to myself! However, I feel so much healthier. Which leads me into the next topic..

Growing. Well, I'm growing on a few levels. My belly is getting bigger every day and I can feel this baby moving, kicking, growing. It's truly amazing. Sometimes I catch a glimps of myself in a mirror and see the belly and am shocked. It's so weird to see my body change so rapidly. I'm also growing in how I eat. The gallbladder helps to digest fat and when there are many stones of questionable size (such as I have) we don't want the gallbladder to do its job. So, I'm learning how to eat very, very little fat. Skim milk, fat-free yoghurt, almost no meat, no oils, nothing fried, no nuts, no egg yolks... The list goes on. I do get to eat frozen yoghurt, red vines and peachy o's--- oh yea, lots of fruit and veggies--- lots and lots!

Because of this new diet and the lack of eating during my hospital stay and while I was so sick, I've lost 8 pounds. Taking my grand total of weight gain to about 6 pounds. Which I'm feeling pretty glad about (seriously, there's enough weight on my body to take care of this baby, so no one worry!). See there's always a rainbow!

Please be praying for me tomorrow-- I've got an appointment with the surgeon to talk about the next step and I'm a little nervous.

Well, I have some laundry to attend to and perhaps I should change out of sweats... Although, that might or might not happen until this afternoon. Seriously sweats are the best!

I'll post more soon as well as a few baby bump pictures and pictures from Caleb's aunt and grandma's visit.

Happy Wednesday all!

Update

Hi all.
Thanks so much for your out pouring of love, prayers, and visits. It was been so nice to know you are all standing in the gap for me and baby girl.
I'm going to make this short and sweet, because I had a fair number of visitors and I'm pooped!
My pancreas levels have gone down again today and the doctors were all pleased. My liver levels are staying put, which makes everyone a little nervous as to whether there might be another stone. They did, however, give me the go ahead to eat some real food to see if the pain came back. I ate the most delicious turkey sandwich of my life! Seriously, not eating food really gave me a great appreciation of it! No pain after eating. So, they're going to release me tonight around 9:30-- right after my steroids shot (which they've all assured me is purely preventative, but could be a really good thing for baby if I end up needing to deliver early due to complications).
So, as long as my body stays pain free through then (and we pray for the rest of the pregnancy), I'm going to do some more recovery at home this week.
Lucky for me Caleb's work is awesome and he will be home for most of the week, and it's also spring break, so I get to take it easy without much guilt.
Love to you all.
Please keep praying!

The great gallstone adventure

I've been sick for 3 weeks with severe abdominal problems. My midwife suggested that she thought it was kidney stones or a small chance gallstones. The stones just needed to pass. I took all kinds of vitamins and supplements to try to get them to pass. It just kept hurting. I just felt like my insides wanted to be on my outsides. Not to mentioned I was regularly bludgeoned by my daughter from the womb. It makes for a pretty difficult and excruciating experience.

This last week has been particularly bad. The regular things that seemed to help we're no longer helping. I was just in pain. We went to the emergency room on Thursday morning very early and they immediately did an ultra sound on my abdomen. There they noticed several gallstones in my gallbladder anid a blockage in my right kidney. So, assuming it was still just kidney stones they sent me home with a muscle relaxant to help bring the kidney stones out.

Nothing helped.

I was up at 5am again with awful pain. Would it ever stop? As I tried to relax and breathe through the pain, it just kept getting worse. I broke down. I started sobbing convulsively- it just hurt way too much. I gave birth to Cole naturally, and never, ever did I feel the need to cry or really make much noise, it didn't hurt more than I could bear. This Did. I couldn't handle it.

Caleb in his wisdom and love gathered me up and again we went to the ER. After checking my blood and urine again, they saw that my liver and pancreas levels were not right. I was in some trouble.

The gave me WONDERFUL pain killers. The doctors rushed around, strapping IVs and various monitors for baby all over me. I didn't care. I was no longer in pain. thank God!

A couple of doctors came in to check on me, giving me all kinds of information, and basically explaining that I needed to go into surgery today to get a gall stone which had lodged itself in such a way as to block my liver and pancreas from working. I had pancreatitis, a severe situation where my pancreas was starting to actually eat itself.

They took me into the surgery room where they proceeded to use a scope to go down my mouth, travel through my intestines to the spot where the problem was. They made a small cut to let the stone free. My tube that the stone was making its way down was 5 mm in diameter. The stone was 8 mm in diameter. Obviously there was a reason for my sobbing. The doctor said it was "crowning" and a good friend has suggested that I name it Petra! It's almost like I gave birth.

Everything went awesome. The doctors were able to move quickly and my pancreas is back to normal (was at 3000 and is now at 300). My liver, however hasn't made the jump to health yet. They think there might be another stone closer to the liver that is blocking some of the tube.

They want me to have my gallbladder removed while I'm pregnant. I have a 3 week window where they can still do the surgery lapriscopically and after that it would be a full blown open on the table surgery.

Last night the ob came in and told me they want to give me steroids to help develop the baby's lungs just in case she comes early due to all the complications.

I'm scared. I don't want to have a baby at 28 weeks. I don't want to be in pain. I need my liver to work to keep myself healthy and baby safe. There are lots of variables- like whether my lab work comes back today good, and if I continue to have gallstone attacks.

Please pray for us. Please pray for safety for the baby. Please pray for good liver function. Please pray that I wouldn't go bonkers from sitting in a hospital bed, hungry (my diet is clear liquid only), bored and mostly alone.

Thanks friends. I'll let you know more when we do.

Getting Married.... someday

Cole found this tie in the baby clothes & decided to wear it. Then he needed a proper 'wedding shirt' to go along with it. He now has established his wedding clothes, just has to find the right 'honey' to marry. Apparently he asked a little girl in his preschool class to marry him, but she said she couldn't. She needed to go to college first. Smart Girl.