School

I've been going to school FOREVER. Most people don't even know I'm a student. However, even though they don't know, I am. I started back to school about 3 years ago. I am almost a Sophomore. I just hope to complete college by the time my 17 year old brother does. Maybe. I'll at least have my AA degree by then.

This going to college thing, while most of my friends are just doing the normal family life thing, is sort of hard. I have to think about tests and homework and writing papers and such. While they're thinking of diapers, making dinner, and other normal stuff. I have to do both. Which I think makes my education a little better. Not to brag or anything, but when you've got a family to take care of and school to do-- it means you really want both. I do really want both. I think I'm doing good at really wanting both. I have a good GPA (tried to find it just now and can't....hum. probably my fault, cause I can't navigate blackboard very well).

I plan on going to school next semester full time. That means I'm going to get a babysitter probably 2 days a week and actually get more that 3 credits! It also means I have to get up early, make exercise a priority, find good crock pot meals, create a cleaning schedule, and make sure I have time with Caleb and Cole. As crazy as that sounds when I put it down on paper. It makes me excited. I'm excited to jump from 24 credits to to 36 credits. I mean, that's a huge jump for me!!! I'm excited to see the end in sight. I'm also thankful for the pell grant which makes this whole post possible.

The End

I've been inspired

I have to say that mornings are difficult for me normally, so with this "dark night of my soul" looming on me in every way right now, it's been even harder to get out of bed. Cole has been a little trooper, and plays nicely in his crib until I come and rescue him. (aka we start the day) Now don't get me wrong I'm not sleeping all day, just a bit later that I want. I want to get up earlier that Cole and have a cup of coffee, maybe get a workout in, get some breakfast started, take a shower... you know those kinds of things-- not all of them every day though, I don't want to get up at 5, sheesh!

Caleb, Cole, and I went to McCall last week for a quick get away and we went to bed at 10. 10pm. Let me tell you, I don't remember the last time I went to bed at 10pm. Caleb's been on night shift now for months and it's hard to get to bed at a decent hour when I climb into bed alone, so 10pm is quite early.

This early bed time got me thinking about how much easier it would be to get out of bed early if I just went to bed early. I know, I know, that's a DUH. However, it's just hard to get into the habit of early to bed, early to rise. So, back to the title, I've been inspired, by my friend, Emily, who has two kids and is trying to do the same thing. I think if I do get up and get going everyday, it'll make me a little more productive and feel a little less, well, sad. I know the sadness isn't ever going to go away, however, maybe if I make a habit of getting up early, it'll help the depression a little bit.

Oh, on a side not, I got a hair cut, nothing too exciting, just a trim. I've been looking at pictures of me with long hair and I think I'm going to grow it out long again... wish me luck. I also think I'm going to dye it. Just have to wait for that pay check.
Thanks Kyle, for the idea of shaving it. I don't want to check out of life like Ms. Spears.

Hair

I'm in a dilemma and I realize that there aren't very many people who read this, but I just needed to vent for a minute. I hate my hair right now. It's getting longer and still has layers from long ago, and I don't want to go get it cut until I know what I want, so I just keep letting it grow and it keeps grossing me out. not to mention, I've got a lot of white hair now peppered throughout my head (due to this wonderfully stressful year, and probably to becoming a mommy) and I don't know what to do about those. Part of me just wants to ignore them and let them grow and go white gracefully, and part of me wants to dye, dye, dye them. However, either solution ticks me off. I mean, I don't want to have to dye my hair and I don't want to have white hair either. I just want my hair back. I want my long, nice, dark hair back. So, there you go. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

sick

So, today I'm sick. In fact for the last 3 days I'm been sick in bed. I haven't slept this much in ages. It's been really crummy. I mean, if you're going to take a time out in life, shouldn't it be because we want to take a time out? Not because we have to? Like, it sounds really nice to get a hotel room, all by myself, and just watch tv (we don't have cable, so hotel rooms are really fun!) and read a book and maybe go on a walk alone. Just for a day. To take a time out. Nope, planning that type of thing might happen, but most likely, my time outs are like this one. I'm in my room banned from the rest of the house as to not get everyone else sick, and I get to sleep and be on the laptop. And, it's not like I"m just chilling either-- I'm sick. I'm hacking up a lung, and my throat is so sore that it hurts from my ears all the way down to my neck. So much for a time out. So much for a day alone. I get to be with germs. Yum. Wish me good health for the rest of the year.

what was life like?

So, I've been thinking lately about my life... and I've been thinking about what it was like before had Cole. I honestly can't remember. Isn't that sad? I mean, he's only 20 months (that's almost 2 for all you who don't have kids!). My life has changed so drastically. Like, what did I do with my Saturdays? I know I slept in, and there's something I vaguely remember about being able to go to the movies whenever I want, and hanging out with friends... then there's the fact that I could clean my house and it would stay that way for longer than one evening (cause I clean after Cole's in bed... so, it does stay clean while he's asleep!). Also, my evenings didn't end at 7pm. Wow... when I say it that way, it almost sounds like why even have a kiddo.
However, let me take you through a day in my life: wake up around 8, get the little one dressed and ready for the day, make breakfast, and then we play. We usually go to the gym a couple times a week (although, this month, Cole's had a runny nose for most of it, so we have been going on walks). Then more playing. We eat lunch, nap, play, dinner, play, bath, sleep. We play all day. I mean, we build things together, we run around outside, we throw the ball for Stella, we read tons of books! Cole is an avid reader-- he'll sit by himself and read for 20 minutes at a time; that's like hours to an adult. It's so much fun watching him discover life. He loves somethings and really doesn't like other things. He thinks baby dolls are silly and he love trucks. He loves meat, but doesn't like his veggies. He's pure boy. I love being his mom.
This morning, he woke up really early and was so sad, so I got him a bottle and he came back to bed with me, we snuggled and sort of slept for an hour. He just needed a little bit of love and then he was ready to go back to bed. It was so wonderful-- cause snuggling only happens when we read. so, 1 hour was wonderful. I'm glad I don't watch the movies when they first come out, and I'm glad we do more take out than dine in, and I'm glad we go to the park and play instead of sit at a coffee shop. I love every moment of this little person and I love that my life has had to change-- I've grown more than him in lots of ways. For the first time, I know what really loving someone is.
So, there's my little tangent for today.

here are a few pictures of my little man. He's growing up fast and it's so fun to watch him!

thoughts

So, Caleb's been gone for 6 weeks tomorrow. It's hard to believe it's already been 6 weeks. Only 2 more to go! We've talked about 40 minutes total and I've only gotten 2 letters. I don't think I would have signed up for this if I would have known. However, it really has made me think about all the things in my life I take for granted. I just assume Caleb is going to come home every day and help with Cole-- and sometimes I don't even thank him for his help and willingness to not only provide for our family financially, but also come home and change diapers. I know I needed to take a step back from life and relearn what is important.
The loss of my big brother, grandma, and now my husband (in a different way, but still, he's not here and not available for me to call) has made me realize that I should cherish every moment. I don't want to miss a thing in life and I don't want to live my life wishing for something more. I want to be the kind of person who is looking towards the future, AND totally present in the now. I'm learning everyday what that looks like. It's an amazing journey.
All that to say, I'm ready to be done learning the lesson and have my Hubby back. I miss him! Can I just say, these next two weeks might be the longest yet? Pray for me to keep on keeping on. I'm tired and would really love the chance to not be mom for a day.
OK, on that note, I have to go to bed... I have to get up in the morning.